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Awkward about my life June 2, 2009

Posted by Dengke in My Life.
Tags: , , , , ,

Now where should I start?

I’ve always wanted to blog, but I wondered why every time I try, it never works out.Why can’t I just write like the others?

Sitting on the tram today, after isolating myself at home in front of the computer for the past four days, I realize it’s not because I have nothing to write about, but it’s that my life is full of things that are too confusing or complicated, that I’d be too embarrassed to let anyone (except a few, and sometimes not even them) know. Because I’m one that cares what others think. But just keeping things in my mind only serves to confuse myself more, so I’m scribbling this in the back of one of my exercise books as I continue sitting on the tram.

It was good this past year so far – well, relative to previous years. I’ve kept myself as busy as possible, so that things keep simple – rather, it doesn’t give myself a chance to think too much. I go to uni, I study; I see friends, we talk; I check out girls on the tram, they look right past me; but everything’s fine. None of that emo crap I used to get because of an awkward social situation (I get nervous sometimes and I stuff up), or because a friend declined an invite, or someone didn’t reply my sms or msn. I used to be insecure – far too insecure. I’d always think that I’m the one who’s done something wrong. I’d put myself down, and call myself names in my head, not realizing that ate away at my self confidence. But, it’s getting better now.

Two facts I hold in my head to keep myself stable:

  1. people can hate you for no reason
  2. you might as well do something you want, even if you have the chance of being embarrassed. Like talk to that cute girl sitting just over there…

The former is like an “it’s not me” – ‘It’s not always me that wrong right?’ and the latter stops me at being angry at myself for my missed chances. This way, I can say “meh” if something goes wrong, and keep going along with my life, and it stops me from falling in to a rut. Doing nothing means nothing would change.

But still my life is full of dodgy things. Things that your grandma would disapprove of/ faint at, and although I won’t put them up in this post, I’ll get to them eventually. I might just feel better if I did.